After years in the church I think I have finally come to a conclusion about something I have wrestled with for many years. I have finally lost my faith. Not my faith in God, I am still a theist, and despite numerous attempts (by various folks) to make me otherwise, I remain in the orthodox Christian faith. I have, however, entirely lost faith in the way which Christian leadership usually occurs and how the church sees people. Specifically it seems to me that the modern, western and conservative church has commoditized ministries and people to such a great degree that their actions are almost always sinister when dealing with interpersonal relationships. In fact, in many cases, these churches have become hate factories, eventually producing people apathetic to the Christian faith and down right pissed at the church. More egregiously, in my years of work at the church, while often the victim of the hate factory mentality, I also probably participated in it in numerous ways by saying nothing and doing nothing. I clearly saw abuses over the years and did nothing to stop them, even feeling relief that it was someone else and not me who was mistreated. However, as I alluded to above, even my own sinful ‘duck and cover’ didn’t stop me from being the target of those small men and women who were building not God’s kingdom but their own. To date, my entire family (as a child) was pushed out of a church, my wifes family was excommunicated and shunned from their home church, I have been pushed out of one job at a church by a pastor who within two months managed to push everyone else out as well, and oh lets see, censured in two churches over very small issues and even one seminary split. I have (as have many of you I am sure) also been the target of numerous character assassinations and nastinesses at the hands of my bro’s and sis’s in Christ.
Now I’m not saying that I am perfect, or that I haven’t harmed others as well, but I will say I try damned hard not to cause people harm and if I find out that I did harm someone, I make efforts to make it right. We are all sinners, we all harm people, but some people seem to be really good at it. They “practice” their sin and some have even made it into a near art form. I should also make two more qualifications. I know that my stories are neither the only ones of their kind, nor are they near the worst of their kind. Many of you reading this (all 9) have as many if not more stories than I do, and I am certainly aware that people have suffered far worse abuses; everything from sexual abuse to murder at the hands of the church. I am neither unique nor playing the martyr.; I’m just pissed.
The question then is – what is wrong here. Why does the church operate in a way so fundamentally contrary to the message of the gospel. Sure sure, we are “all sinners” and “fallible” and a host of other qualifications to justify treating someone else like a piece of shit, but shouldn’t the church be at least a little bit of a haven. To be honest, and I don’t think I am alone, I have felt more love and fellowship with non-believers than believers; and thats just wrong.
If you are ever pastor, fellow congregent, or God and Ordination willing one day, my flock – I just want to say two things. If I ever harm you, tell me. I can hear it, I can take it and I will make it right. Also, if you are one of those folks who regularly harm others then watch out cause I won’t allow you to persist in such a nasty sin. Christ values you too much to see you tear his flock apart. Christ loves you too much to allow you to turn his church into a hate factory, producing people burnt crisp by the ‘love of the brethren’ and seething at the church of Christ.
Would love to hear (assuming I have any readership left) some of your stories

Polanyi begins his book with an introduction into objectivity and personal knowledge. What I think might be most important here are his examples, which bring home what he wants to say about how knowing functions. His position, as stated, is that “any attempt rigorously to eliminate our human perspective from our picture of the world must lead to absurdity.” He flushes this out first be a brief discussion of quantum vs. physical mechanics and peppers it with some historical examples and some mathematical discussions of axioms and maxims. His strongest examples, however, follow in a section on probability. Here he claims that statements of probability don’t necessarily reflect real happenings, but only deal with mathematical models of what is possible.
I have been wrestling with my philosophical moorings for several months now, and as part of that wrestling I am resuming posting on my blog. This is more as a cathartic exercise, for if anyone still reads this blog I would be amazed. Specifically the problem I am dealing with is how to have a critique of modernity (a necessary thing) and at the same time to go beyond modern impulses to understand my own stated theology. To put this succinctly, modernity reduced everything to empiricism and tautology, human senses and mathematical axiom. Post modernity critiqued the certainty of such an enterprise, ultimately unseating the stranglehold modern positivism had on reason. This is a good thing and celebrated by many Christians who saw their beliefs relegated to superstition and their beliefs declared meaningless by the organ of positivism. But it must be remembered that post modernity is a subset of modernity, neither of which have ever provided a mechanism for accepting or embracing the theological dogmas of faith which we as Christians cherish. The purpose of my investigation is to see if we can both embrace post-modern ideas and yet come out with a viable faith.
Following the lead of other more notable bloggers I am going to begin providing book reviews of texts which I consider to be important for one reason or another. Recently I finished John Barclay’s indispensable history “Jews in the Mediterranean Diaspora: From Alexander to Trajan. “ For anyone interested in either the formative communities for early Christendom or a look at how Diaspora Judaism interacted with various non-Judaic cultures this text is a must read. Barclay undertakes a careful survey of important figures, events and customs which shaped how non centralized Judaism grew and thrived. Rather than the traditionalist paradigm which has Diaspora Judaism radiating out of a Palestinian epicenter Dr. Barclay has convincingly argued that there was a wide give and take between the various centers of Judaism. His main argument is that one ought not view Second Temple Judaism as a monolith with less faithful variants, but rather as a collection of trajectories which all have distinctive elements and define for themselves what Judaism ought to be. In this way he points to a reality of Judaism in the ancient world which is being replicated in some ways in the modern world with the advent of post modernism and cultural specific viewpoints. One of the more fascinating treatments he offers to this end is of Philo and Alexandrian Judaism.
Last week was great for the Blog. We actually broke records in numbers of visitors. Nothing like controversy to stir the pot and attract viewers I guess. A certain poster going by the name TR4LIFE was posting on a thread on this blog. At times I suspected that he (she?) was someone posing as a TR to mess with me. Other times I was totally convinced that this person was just the most TR ultra-conservative that I had ever met. Then last night some friends called me up and invited me out for a drink. I went out, and I had a suspicion when I found out who would be there. A common friend, who has a background in latin (see the post) was there, and so I walked right up to her and asked her if she was TR4LIFE. She hesitated, but said no – and I really thought she was lying, but she covered it by seeming offended and also as if she didn’t understand my question (I should have known, this is a classic way of covering your tracks, it was a rookie mistake on mypart). I didn’t want to push the issue so I explained to her why I had asked. We had a few drinks, I let her read the blog posts. She pretended to be angry and upset at the things posted; and then at some point and time in the evening, she unzipped her sweatshirt to reveal a name badge reading TR4LIFE. The whole thing was a big practical joke and I bought into it hook, line and sinker. I know when I am licked – and she burnt me good. I was punk’d (etc..etc…etc). So a word of congratulations is in order – you got me good. You played the game well, and had me totally fooled (even had me worried about you showing up on Friday; I had to promise my wife that I wouldn’t tolerate rude behavior at my party.) Warning, you should know that I am always looking for revenge.




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